Takeaway: The invisible labor in relationships often falls to moms, leaving them overwhelmed and emotionally burned out. Learn how to talk to your partner about sharing the mental load, delegate practical tasks without guilt, and start building a household where you feel seen and supported. Includes a free printable to help you get started.

What is the Mental Load - and Why Do Moms Carry It Alone?

The mental load of motherhood, also known as the invisible labor in relationships, includes all the behind-the-scenes planning, organizing, and remembering that keeps a household running. From scheduling pediatrician visits to restocking diapers to planning meals, this work is rarely seen - but always necessary.

After kids, the load often increases dramatically. Many women say it feels never-ending and mentally exhausting. Why? Because even when you’re trying to rest, your brain is still juggling the to-do list. And too often, it’s assumed this work belongs solely to moms.

This kind of unacknowledged mental labor contributes to maternal anxiety, depletion and burnout - especially when there’s no one to share it with.

Many Moms describe feeling overstimulated - a physical and emotional reaction that happens when your brain is processing too much at once. This often shows up as irritability, snapping, or the urge to shut down.

Why It’s Hard for Moms to Get Help With Household Tasks

As a therapist for moms, I often hear the same frustrations from women trying to share the household workload:

“My husband says the house is my responsibility.”
“He doesn’t follow through when I ask for help.”
“I have to redo everything he does.”
“It’s easier to just do it myself”
“I feel like a bad mom when I need help.”
“The things I’m worried about aren’t on my partner’s radar. It’s like we live in different families.”

If you’re feeling like your husband doesn’t understand the mental load you’re carrying, you’re not alone. Many moms face very real roadblocks to getting support, even when they want it badly.

3 Common Roadblocks that Prevent Moms from Getting Help

#1 - You Don’t Know Who to Ask for Help.

If you’re in a committed partnership, you might expect your partner to be the first place you turn for support. But that’s not always possible.

Moms in military families, single-parent households, or couples with long-distance or shift work often need to rely on a broader network. But finding your “village” can be hard - especially in early motherhood, when everyone’s too busy or burnt out themselves.

#2 - You Aren’t Sure of What Kind of Help you Need.

Sometimes the mental load is so overwhelming that you don’t know where to start. Other times, the tasks - though exhausting - feel deeply tied to your identity as a mom, and you aren’t sure you want to hand them off.

It’s hard to delegate when you’re not even sure what you can let go of.

#3 - You’ve Tried Asking, But It Hasn’t Worked.

Maybe you’ve asked your partner for help, but they didn’t follow through - or you ended up arguing. Or maybe you’ve never asked, because just needing help makes you feel like you’re failing.

I see this all the time in my therapy practice. And while it’s incredibly common, it’s not something you have to accept. I’ve created a helpful guide that you can use to navigate these tough conversations.

How to Start Sharing the Mental Load With Your Partner

If you’re feeling stuck, overwhelmed, or resentful, here’s a practical way forward: delegation.

Delegation is not about dumping work on your partner - it’s about clearly identifying what support you need and inviting someone else to help carry the weight. Here’s how.

Step 1: Make a List of Practical Needs.

Start by writing down all the household and concrete tasks that are on your plate, because these are the easiest ones to delegate. Be specific. Instead of saying “laundry,” write “fold the kids’ laundry”.

This makes it easier to delegate one thing at a time and helps you get clarity about your needs and priorities.

Step 2: Add Timelines and Deadlines

Each task should have a clear due date or schedule. For example:

“Take trashcans out every Thursday night”
“Call pediatrician to reschedule appointment by Friday

Clear deadlines help your partner understand what’s need and when, so nothing gets missed.

Step 3: Decide What You Want to Keep and What You Can Let Go

There are likely some tasks you want to keep - either because you enjoy them, they’re too complex to explain without extra work, or because they’re emotionally meaningful. But you’ll also notice tasks you’re ready to hand off.

Think about what your partner might be better at, what you’re tired of doing, or what simply drains your energy.

I’ve created this helpful guide to delegation that includes a free printable to walk you through these steps - perfect for keeping the conversation simple and clear.

**Download this free and** **helpful guide to delegation that includes a free printable**.

Talking to Your Partner About Sharing the Mental Load

If you’re unsure of where to start, try using your list as a guide. These tips can help you make the conversation easier and less emotionally loaded.

How to Ask for Help Without Starting a Fight.

If talking to your partner about sharing the load has created conflict before, here are a few ideas to make the conversation more successful:

Consider starting with a text or email instead of a sit down talk.
Use your delegation list to share just 1-2 specific needs.
Include a deadline, but avoid venting or rehashing past resentments.
Stick to what needs to happen and when - that’s it.

The goal here is to access support, not prove how hard things have been. There is a different time and place for that (necessary) conversation.

After the ask, step back and manage your expectations. The task may not be done your way - but it should get done. And when it does, thank your partner. A little positive reinforcement can go a long way.

Delegation Builds Awareness - But That’s Just the First Step

At first, the act of delegating can feel just like one more thing on your plate. And in some ways, it is. You’re still the one identifying needs, assigning tasks, and tracking timelines. It can feel frustrating, especially if you’re craving true partnership - not management.

But here’s the key: delegation raises awareness.

When you clearly name what needs to happen.- and share the mental context behind those tasks - you’re letting your partner (or your village) see what’s been invisible until now. You’re saying, “This matters. This needs to happen. This has a cost when it’s always on me.”

And that shift in awareness is powerful.

Over time, the goal is not just that your partner completes tasks when asked. The deeper goal is that they begin to recognize those needs independently - and take initiative without prompting. If you’re familiar with Fair Play by Eve Rodsky, you know that true equity in relationship goes beyond checking off tasks - it’s about valuing time and having a shared emotional investment and mental presence in the day-to-day work of family life.

Delegating tasks is one way to begin explaining mom burnout to your husband - not just by naming what needs to happen, but by helping him understand why carrying it all alone is unsustainable.

This kind of change takes time and often requires repeated conversations. But it starts with you taking the brave step of making the invisible visible.

Therapy Can Help Moms Navigate the Mental Load

If you’re exhausted, anxious, or burned out, I want you to know that this is not “just being a mom”. It’s a sign that you’re doing too much without enough support - and that’s something we can work on together.

In therapy, we can:

Identify the sources of mom burnout and depletion
Develop a plan for sharing household responsibilities
Explore the way guilt, perfectionism, or resentment impact your choices
Help you connect with the parts of yourself that are outside of the “household manager” role

Get Support from a Therapist Who Understands Motherhood

I work with women in Seattle, Kitsap County, Bainbridge Island, and across Washington State who feel overwhelmed by the mental load of motherhood.

Let’s talk and see what that support could look like.

Get in touch with me to schedule your free consultation call and see if we’re a good fit.

Not ready for therapy? Subscribe to my newsletter, Through Thick and Thin, for new blog posts, updates, and interviews of perinatal providers around the Puget Sound who can become a part of your village, too.

www.nurturingthesisterhood.com

Overwhelmed by the Mental Load? Here’s What to do.

What is the Mental Load - and Why Do Moms Carry It Alone?

Many Moms describe feeling overstimulated - a physical and emotional reaction that happens when your brain is processing too much at once. This often shows up as irritability, snapping, or the urge to shut down.

Why It’s Hard for Moms to Get Help With Household Tasks