How to Keep Yourself Calm During a Toddler Tantrum
Takeaway: Staying calm when your toddler is mid-meltdown is so much harder than it sounds. In this post, therapist and mom Dr. Julie Franks shares real-life strategies to help you stay grounded when tantrums hit hard. Learn how to manage your own overwhelm, reset your expectations, and respond with intention—even when you're completely touched out.
If your toddler’s ever had a meltdown in public, welcome to the club.
Tantrums are a rite of passage. If you’ve got a child 18 months or older, chances are you’ve experienced the full-body chaos of a toddler meltdown.
As overwhelming as they are, tantrums are part of your child’s development. They’re not just “bad behavior”—they’re how your child learns to express their needs, assert independence, and figure out boundaries.
But even when we know all of this… it still feels awful when it happens. Especially in public.
Why Tantrums Feel So Hard for Moms
A few weeks ago, my son laid in the middle of the car line at preschool and refused to get up. I tried everything—reasoning, encouraging, gently bribing—but nothing worked. I felt the stares. I felt my face flush. And I felt completely powerless.
Even as a therapist who talks about toddler behavior all the time, in that moment, I felt like I had no idea what to do.
Here’s why tantrums hit so hard:
They’re overstimulating. The yelling, flailing, and unpredictability can be overwhelming.
They trigger embarrassment—especially in public.
They can bring up our own unresolved feelings or fears.
They interrupt the day, which can feel like too much when you’re already stretched thin.
They make us question ourselves—even when we’re doing a great job.
You’re Not Failing—Your Child Is Learning
Let me say this clearly:
You are not failing because your toddler is having a tantrum.
There’s so much pressure on moms to have well-behaved kids at all times. But tantrums aren’t about your parenting. They’re about your child’s brain development.
When you shift from seeing tantrums as something to eliminate to something to navigate, you start responding with more compassion—for your child and yourself.
When You Stay Calm, You Stay in Control
You don’t have to control the tantrum. But staying calm helps you control your response.
When you’re grounded, you can choose how to respond in a way that reflects your parenting values. This is what helps your child regulate, too. Calm energy creates safety. Reactivity creates more chaos.
And yes—staying calm is really, really hard.
What to Say to Yourself in the Moment
It might sound simple, but talking to yourself kindly works. These are phrases I use myself (and share with the moms I work with):
“My goal right now is to do my best.”
“I believe in myself.”
“I can get through anything for a couple of minutes.”
This isn’t about toxic positivity. It’s about offering yourself reassurance when everything feels intense. The more compassion you show yourself, the more regulated you feel—and that makes it easier to show up the way you want to, despite the mental load.
Struggling to Stay Grounded During Meltdowns?
If tantrums leave you feeling overstimulated or like your body goes into fight-or-flight, you’re not alone. When your nervous system is dysregulated, it’s hard to think clearly or respond with intention—because your body is acting like there’s an emergency.
That’s where nervous system regulation comes in. These strategies help you move out of fight-or-flight and back into the present moment—so you can feel more in control, even when things around you aren’t.
That’s exactly why I created the Mom Anxiety Coping Cards—a free printable with 20+ ways to regulate your nervous system in the moment.
These calming cards are designed for real moms in real situations. Think of them as mini scripts for your body and mind—something to reach for when you're feeling maxed out but still needed.
You can print them, tuck them in your bag, stick them on the fridge, or save a screenshot on your phone.
Download the free Coping Cards here to help your body and mind reset—especially when your toddler’s having a big day.
Want to explore more about anxiety, overstimulation, and why these feelings show up in motherhood? This blog post explains “mom anxiety” and how to work through it.
What to Do After the Tantrum
Once your child is calm, take a few minutes to reconnect:
Ask what they needed
Name the feelings you both had
Talk about how to handle things differently next time
At our house, we talk about “body safety.” I’ll say something like, “When you scream and kick, it makes my body feel unsafe.” It’s a simple way to teach boundaries and build emotional awareness. Toddlers are more receptive to these conversations than we think—especially once their immediate needs have been met.
Therapy Can Help You Regulate Your Nervous System and Find Your Calm
If tantrums and parenting challenges leave you feeling stuck in survival mode, constantly overstimulated, or struggling to stay calm, you’re not alone—and you don’t have to figure it out on your own.
Nurturing the Sisterhood is my maternal mental health therapy practice for moms across Washington State. We specialize in supporting parents during the early years of parenting and helping moms find tools and strategies that actually work—and that fit into the lifestyle of a full-plate mom.
Book your free intro call today to see if we’re a fit.
You deserve support from a therapist who truly gets where you are. I’m here for you when you’re ready.
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