New Baby, Same Expectations? How to Set Holiday Boundaries That Reflect Your Family’s Reality
Takeaway: If your family’s holiday rhythms feel out of sync, it’s not your imagination — change is happening and your old traditions may no longer fit. This year, the most meaningful gift you can give yourself and your loved ones is clear communication: knowing what your family truly needs, expressing it with kindness and clarity, and inviting everyone into a conversation about how you’ll spend the season together. Doing this cultivates both connection and well-being.
Why Holiday Traditions Stop Working for Growing Families
Do you need to spend your holiday differently this year because your family has changed or grown? Use these communication strategies for setting boundaries and making your family’s needs known at the holidays.
If you’re getting anxious about spending time with your extended family over the holidays, you’re not alone. Spending quality time with extended family sounds great, in theory, but in reality, the logistics can be super stressful.
Making plans at the holidays gets trickier as your family changes and grows. Traditions that worked well for your family when you were in your pre-kid era may no longer be practical or even possible.
So what’s a mom to do? How do you honor your family’s changing needs without ruining the extended family gatherings and traditions?
Being able to clearly communicate your family’s needs at the holidays is one way to navigate this tricky side of the holiday season.
It’s a way to reduce the overwhelm that comes along with recognizing that the family gatherings, as they are traditionally planned, will be difficult for your family.
Communicating your needs also opens up a conversation about what will work for the holidays this year – and it gives your extended family the chance to consider, honor, and care for your family’s needs, too.
Yet it’s easier said than done. We worry about hurt feelings. We worry about guilt trips. We worry about our needs not being honored. Even the most supportive families tend to be resistant to change, even when the change makes sense & supports the overall goal of being together at the holidays.
1. Get Clear on What Your Family Actually Needs
Before you can communicate your needs to extended family, it’s important to pause and ask: what do we actually need this year?
And not the Instagram-perfect answer — the real one. The one that accounts for how much capacity you have, how regulated (or not) your kids are, and how overwhelming it feels to manage holiday logistics on top of everything else. If the mental load of planning, prepping, and parenting feels like too much, this post on the invisible work of motherhood might help you name what’s really happening.
Ask yourself:
What’s my child’s temperament? Is your toddler sensitive to transitions, noise, or changes in environment? Is your baby still on a very specific routine? Traveling with little ones can be especially tough when they’re still figuring out the world around them.
Do any sensory needs come into play? From long car rides to overstimulating houses full of people, sensory input matters — especially for babies, toddlers, and neurodivergent kiddos.
How much stress does travel put on me — mentally, physically, emotionally? If traveling means you arrive already depleted, it’s okay to name that. Your ability to show up as a present parent matters just as much as showing up to the event itself.
What’s realistic financially? Plane tickets, extra meals, time off — it adds up fast. Especially when you’re parenting young kids and resources are stretched thin.
What is your emotional bandwidth post-holiday? If the tone of the family relationships are challenging and recovery takes days and throws off your whole rhythm, it may be a sign that your plans need reworking.
What are your partner’s capacity and work schedules like? You deserve a plan that considers your whole family— not just what “works” for the group.
Are you pregnant or trying to get pregnant? This often makes holiday travel more stressful, and you may appreciate the chance to slow down rather than speed up.
When you honor these needs without judgment, you create space for a version of the holidays that’s more grounded, gentle, and doable. And that’s the goal.
2. Find the Yes (Not Just the No)
Setting boundaries during the holidays doesn't have to feel cold or rigid. In fact, boundary setting works best when it includes a "yes." Instead of only naming what won’t work, share what can work. This keeps the tone collaborative and shows your family you still want connection — just with new terms. This might be a good time to remind yourself that your instincts matter - even when others push back.
Ask yourselves:
What is doable this year?
Can you host something smaller or virtual?
What traditions can you modify instead of cancel?
What are you open to compromising on?
This reframes the conversation from a shutdown to a solution and helps everyone feel more involved and supported.It’s the Effort, Not the Outcome
3. Use the Sandwich Strategy to Start the Conversation
When you're ready to talk with your extended family, lead with warmth and intention. If you're worried about how your message will land, try the “sandwich strategy”: cushion the harder news between two positives.
Example Message:
Hi Family,
We are so excited to spend time this holiday season with you all. We can’t wait for you to see how big the kids have gotten and for them to spend time with grandparents & aunties. Unfortunately, we can’t fly across the country for the holidays this year. The expense is too great for us, and my work schedule won’t allow me to take any extra travel days. We know this is disappointing, and we feel terrible. If anyone is open to discussing a change in plans this year (or next year!), we have some creative solutions that we’ve considered that would make things easier for us while still allowing us to spend time together.
Thanks for being so understanding and for working with us!
XX, me.
Leading the discussion with the positives makes it much more likely that your needs will be heard, even if they’re difficult to resolve. It sets a positive tone for the conversation, and this tone allows your family’s needs to be heard.
4. Work For a Creative Compromise
Creating a new holiday plan that meets your family’s most important needs — and, ideally, the important needs of all the other family units involved — takes communication, communication, and more communication.
The expectation here is that every family unit’s non-negotiable needs are met, but that compromise happens otherwise. This part of the process takes time, effort, and creativity.
Some tips for encouraging this kind of creative, solution-focused conversation:
Offer solutions.
Be flexible about things that aren’t dealbreakers for your family.
Use “I” language to communicate your family’s needs.
Praise family members for their efforts & ideas — this kind of conversation isn’t easy.
Stick to logic.
If you put in your best effort and a compromise that meets your family’s needs isn’t possible, it is okay to kindly bow out of the holiday plans this year. If you need to do this, be sure to do so with kindness and respect. Your family’s needs matter, and it’s okay to put them first even if others are disappointed.
P.S. If your brain is spiraling with social media stress about how “everyone else” does the holidays, this piece on anxious doomscrolling might help you reset those expectations.
It’s the Effort, Not the Outcome
Navigating conversations about holiday plans and traditions is vulnerable work.
The hope is always that you get the desired outcome: holiday plans that meet your family’s changing needs. Whether or not you were able to find a way to uphold the tradition or extended family gathering this year, your efforts are a success. How so?
You’ve raised awareness of new family needs.
You’ve sought balance between your needs and tradition.
You’ve set the foundation for future planning.
Taking care of your family is your biggest responsibility as a parent, and sometimes you must step back from your extended family’s expectations to do this — even at the holidays.
Therapy for Washington Moms Navigating Family Expectations During the Holidays
If this holiday season brings questions like “How can I protect my family’s wellbeing while staying connected?” or “Why do I still feel so anxious around family gatherings when things are supposedly settled?”, you don’t have to walk it alone. These challenges often point to larger issues with boundaries + expectations within your family system, and therapy can help.
As a Washington-based therapist working with moms navigating change, growth, and shifting family rhythms, I’m here to support you.
Whether you’re in Seattle, on Bainbridge Island, or somewhere across the Puget Sound Region — therapy for women and new moms can give you a dedicated space to explore what’s working, what isn’t and how to move forward with confidence and clarity.. You deserve to feel at ease, aligned with your family values, and confident in your voice.
Reach out today to schedule your free 20-minute intro call and let’s create a holiday plan (and ongoing support strategy) that works for you and your evolving family.
Here’s to holidays that reflect who you are now, not who you were. For your family. For your peace. For your joy.
THERAPY FOR MOMS ACROSS WASHINGTON STATEMeet Dr. Julie
I’m Dr. Julie Franks, a Washington-based therapist supporting moms through the complex, beautiful, and often overwhelming seasons of early motherhood. Whether you’re navigating holiday expectations, postpartum identity shifts, or the invisible mental load that comes with parenting, you don’t have to do it alone.
I work with women across Seattle, Bellevue, Renton, Tacoma, Bainbridge Island, and all of Washington State to create space for honesty, self-compassion, and healing. Therapy with me is down-to-earth, affirming, and centered on helping you feel more connected — to yourself, your values, and your family.
If you're looking for a therapist who truly gets the lived experience of motherhood, I’d be honored to walk alongside you.
