What to Say (and Not Say) After Pregnancy Loss: How to Deal with Insensitive Comments and Unhelpful Advice
Takeaway: Insensitive comments after miscarriage are common—and deeply painful. In this post, you’ll learn how to respond to hurtful or misinformed remarks, set boundaries, and care for your peace after pregnancy loss.
Why Do People Say Hurtful Things After Miscarriage?
Miscarriage is incredibly common. It’s so common, in fact, that almost every mom I know has had one. But being common doesn’t make them easy.
On top of the physical experience of a miscarriage—which is devastating and difficult to endure—many women also face a second layer of pain: hurtful or insensitive comments from people who don’t know what to say or who rely on outdated or dismissive beliefs about pregnancy loss.
If this is your experience, I want you to know you’re not alone.
Feel free to forward this blog post to anyone who could use a crash course in what not to say to someone grieving a pregnancy.
My Journey Through Recurrent Miscarriage and Loss
When my husband and I started trying to get pregnant, we knew the odds. We were aware that at my age (35), around 10% of pregnancies end in loss. But like any hopeful couple, we believed we might be spared.
Instead, I got pregnant and then lost each pregnancy—sometimes quickly, sometimes after weeks of cautious hope. The first miscarriage was the hardest. I blamed myself. I felt like a failure. And I was more sad than I’d ever been in my entire life.
After my second miscarriage, I insisted on working with a reproductive endocrinologist (a fertility specialist). I wasn’t willing to wait for a third loss, even though my OB thought I should. That decision led us to our miracle baby, but it didn’t erase the grief, fear, and emotional toll of recurrent loss.
I’m sharing this story because I want you to know: you are not alone. I believe you are strong and capable of surviving the heartbreak of pregnancy loss. And I want to offer some support for dealing with the added pain of other people’s words.
Hurtful Things People Say After Miscarriage
Here are just a few of the hurtful things people said to me—and others I’ve supported:
"At least you know you can get pregnant."
"At least you didn’t have to carry the pregnancy full term."
"Everything happens for a reason."
"You can always try again."
"It’s probably for the best."
"Maybe it wasn’t meant to be."
"You should try to move on."
"You’ll get pregnant eventually, don’t worry."
"There must have been something wrong with the baby."
"Just do IVF—it worked for me."
"Have you considered adoption?"
"It was God’s plan."
"My husband just looks at me and I get pregnant."
"Being pregnant is so hard—maybe this is for the best."
"Now you can drink with me again!"
For a more complete look at common misconceptions, Tommy’s UK has a helpful breakdown of miscarriage myths.
In the beginning, I tried to correct people. I’d explain why their words were wrong, offer statistics, or calmly walk them through the reality of miscarriage. But it was exhausting. Later, I’d nod, smile, and walk away—still hurting inside. Eventually, I found a middle path: being honest and setting boundaries in a way that protected me.
Scripts for Responding to Insensitive Comments
You don’t owe anyone an explanation. But if you want to respond—whether it’s to set a boundary, educate, or protect yourself—here are some scripts you can try:
"I know you mean well, but that actually doesn’t help."
"Let’s keep God’s will out of this conversation."
"People keep saying that to me, and it really hurts."
"I’m feeling really low, and I just need space to feel that."
For more tips on navigating these moments, RESOLVE offers excellent infertility etiquette guidance.
Sometimes, the most healing words come after you’ve spoken up. I’ve had people hug me, apologize, and say, "I truly don’t know what to say." And honestly, that was often what I needed to hear.
What If It’s Your Partner or Family Saying Hurtful Things?
Unfortunately, hurtful comments sometimes come from the people closest to us—including our partners. If your husband or family member has said something that felt insensitive or dismissive, you’re not alone.
Here are a few ways to respond:
"I know this is hard for both of us, but what you just said made me feel worse."
"Please don’t minimize what I’m feeling."
"It’s okay if you don’t know what to say—I’d rather you just be here with me."
Marriage after miscarriage can be complicated, and it’s okay to ask for help navigating the emotional toll on your relationship.
These conversations are hard, but they can lead to deeper understanding and support—especially when both people feel seen.
How to Protect Your Peace (and Privacy) After Miscarriage
You are allowed to:
Avoid people who say the wrong things repeatedly
Say no to advice you didn’t ask for
Keep your fertility journey private
Make your support circle smaller
After my second miscarriage, my husband and I shared less and less about our journey. It wasn’t because we didn’t trust people—it was because we were tired of explaining, educating, and managing other people’s feelings while we were hurting.
Setting boundaries while grieving is a healthy and protective form of self-care.
Choosing privacy is a valid form of self-care.
Finding Support and Community After Pregnancy Loss
Not everyone will understand what you’re going through—but there are people who do. Here are some places to start:
Pregnancy and Infant Loss Support Group, hosted by Postpartum Support International
PSI’s Helpline for nonjudgmental emotional support
Local fertility clinics, which often host groups for miscarriage and recurrent loss
SHARE Pregnancy & Infant Loss Support, a nonprofit offering education, advocacy, and connection after loss
Grief after miscarriage can feel isolating. Connecting with a community who gets it can be healing.
Therapy Can Help You Heal After Pregnancy Loss
If you’re grieving a miscarriage, feeling overwhelmed by people’s comments, or unsure how to protect your peace—you’re not alone.
Nurturing the Sisterhood is a perinatal mental health therapy practice that supports women through fertility struggles, pregnancy loss, and trying to conceive. I offer infertility counseling to women across Washington, including Bellevue, Seattle, and Bainbridge Island.
Book your free intro call to see if we're a fit—no pressure, just a space to connect.
You deserve to grieve on your own terms—and feel supported while doing it. I'm here when you're ready.
MEET THE AUTHORHi, I’m Dr. Julie Franks.
Dr. Julie is a maternal mental health therapist in Washington State and founder of Nurturing the Sisterhood. She cares for women who aspire to become mothers, pregnant and postpartum women, and women in the early years of motherhood. She specializes in anxiety care. She believes that her transparency about her personal struggles with infertility, pregnancy loss, high risk pregnancy, birth trauma, and anxiety help the women in her practice feel seen and heard.
