Is Being Called a Control Freak a Red Flag for Maternal Anxiety?
Takeaway: Being labeled a "control freak" can feel frustrating and isolating — but it’s often a signal of something deeper. In this post, Dr. Julie explains how anxiety fuels the need for control in motherhood, outlines the costly cycle it creates, and offers simple tools to help moms feel more grounded, supported, and in charge (without doing it all).
When Being in Control Feels Like the Only Option
Your partner, mother-in-law, or even your best friend keeps telling you to "just relax" or stop being such a control freak. But something inside you wonders — is this really about control? Or is it anxiety?
Here’s the truth: many mothers come to therapy not because they want to control every detail, but because they feel they have to in order to keep everything from falling apart. The need for control is often driven by unacknowledged postpartum or maternal anxiety — and naming that can be the first step toward healing.
Why Control Often Masks Maternal Anxiety
Controlling behavior in moms is frequently misunderstood. What may look like micromanagement or perfectionism is often a response to the deep discomfort of feeling out of control internally.
Picture this: You're 6 months postpartum and have finally agreed to a girls' night out. But as the day gets closer, your anxiety spirals — what if your partner handles bedtime differently? What if your child doesn't sleep well? You consider canceling, just to make sure everything goes according to plan.
Sound familiar? That impulse to manage, plan, and double-check everything isn't about being difficult. It’s about managing the fear of something going wrong. And that fear? It’s anxiety.
The Cycle of Anxiety and Control in Motherhood
Maternal anxiety can create a loop:
You feel anxious and overwhelmed.
You try to calm that anxiety by controlling your environment (routines, parenting choices, partner involvement).
You feel temporary relief — until something unpredictable happens.
The cycle repeats, often leading to burnout, resentment, and even more anxiety.
This control cycle might make things feel safer in the short term, but it usually comes at a cost.
The Hidden Costs of Being a "Control Freak Mom"
1. Relationship Strain
Micromanaging can unintentionally signal mistrust. Your partner may feel disempowered, and friends or family may back away. This creates emotional distance and can make you feel even more alone.
2. Burnout & Perfectionism
Trying to do it all — and do it perfectly — is exhausting. Many moms start to feel like they’re failing or never doing enough, simply because the bar is so high.
3. Difficulty Adapting to Change
When your coping mechanism is control, any deviation from the plan can feel intolerable. But motherhood is unpredictable — flexibility is essential.
4. Loneliness & Isolation
When others don’t understand your anxiety, they may interpret your behavior as critical or overbearing. This can push people away, making it even harder to ask for help.
Signs Your Need for Control Might Be Anxiety
You feel panicked when others handle parenting tasks differently
You rehearse or mentally script outcomes to avoid surprises
You have trouble relaxing, even when things are "fine"
You often feel responsible for everyone else’s emotions and experiences
You’re exhausted but can’t seem to delegate or let go
Want to go deeper into the signs and roots of anxious control in motherhood? Read my blog post, What Is “Mom Anxiety”? Understanding, Recognizing, and Getting Support for more insight and support.
How to Break the Cycle and Start Letting Go
Overcoming control doesn’t mean ignoring your anxiety — it means addressing it in a more compassionate, sustainable way. Here’s where to start:
Try the S.O.S. Skill
This quick, three-step strategy helps moms recognize when anxiety is fueling control and respond more intentionally:
S = Stop – Pause for just a moment. Say to yourself, "This is my anxiety talking." Naming it interrupts the automatic response.
O = Observe – Ask yourself, Where is this showing up in my body, my thoughts, or my emotions? This builds mindful awareness without judgment.
S = Skill – Choose one nervous system-regulating strategy. This might be a breath exercise, grounding tool, or body-based technique.
Need help picking a skill? Download my free Mom Anxiety Coping Cards here for quick, on-the-spot regulation strategies.
You’re Not Alone — And You Don’t Have to Stay Stuck
If this blog helped you recognize that your tendency to stay in charge or keep things tightly controlled might be rooted in anxiety, I want you to know you're not alone — and therapy can help you make sense of what’s happening underneath the control, and build tools that empower you to let go.
Nurturing the Sisterhood is my virtual therapy practice specializing in supporting moms experiencing anxiety.(https://www.nurturingthesisterhood.com/postpartum-anxiety) is my virtual therapy practice specializing in supporting moms experiencing anxiety.
Reach out here to schedule your free intro call if you're a mom in Seattle, Bellevue, Bainbridge Island, Kitsap County, or anywhere across Washington State. No pressure — just a space to connect and see if we're a fit.
You deserve support from a therapist who truly gets where you are. I'm here for you when you're ready.
